The Personality Self

Being disconnected fromour personality selfmeansthat we are unconscious of and in denial about certain beliefs we hold about ourselves. When we are connected, it means that we are consciously aware of the beliefs we hold about ourselves. We might not like some of those beliefs, and they might cause us to feel various unpleasant emotions, but we are aware of them, and we know what we believe.

To offer an example, I had a client, ―Mary,‖ who held a responsible job but had not gone to college even though she really wanted to. She was raised to believe that she was not, in her words, ―college material.‖ We talked about her desire to attend college and whether she had anything to lose by trying. She said she did not, and told me that she wanted to start classes as soon as she could and that she would pick up an application to a nearby college before our next session. When we met again the following week, she stated several reasons why she had been too busy to pick up the application. She said she planned to get it in the next few days. The following week, she again had reasons why she had not been able to pick up the application.

I suggested that we do an inner dialoguing process in which the part of her that wanted to go to school and the part of her that didn’t pick up the application would speak directly with each other. This exercise helped her become conscious that the part of her that hadn’t picked up the application wasscared, and that the part that wanted to pick up the application was judgmental of this scared part. This judgment and the pain it caused was the reason she stayed unconscious and disconnected from that part of herself. Because unconscious fears always hold the stronger hand, this part was causing her to procrastinate or be too busy to pick up the application

When her fear part became conscious, the two parts could then dialogue and resolve the inner conflict. These two parts were able to compromise by agreeing that she would enroll in only one class to start. This acknowledged the need of her fear part to be cautious and also satisfied her strong desire to start attending college soon. In this way, her two, now conscious parts were able to move forward as one.

Internal conflicts like these are fairly common within the personality self, not because we are individually flawed but because we have grown up in families and in a society where many conflicting beliefs and judgments exist. Through awareness, we are more able to recognize and resolve the conflicts within our personality self, a process that helps us become more connected to who we truly are. Also, we can then more clearly recognize the inner conflicts in others and not get enmeshed in them.

Clients often ask me what they should do about various problematic situations in their lives. I never attempt to fix a client’s problems by offering advice, suggestions or solutions. Instead, I explore with them the deeper beliefs that led to their problematic situation and honor and respect the emotions they are feeling. We then process these deeper beliefs and feelings so they can reach a place where they are fully accepting and comfortable with themselves. 

Then, with my support, if it’s needed, I help them offer themselves compassionate understanding, which allows them to change any views of themselves that need to be corrected. This, in turn, leads them to an awareness of the best actions needed to change their problematic situation.

This enables them to find clarity from within, and they become less likely to repeat their problematic situations. In addition, because ofthe confidence they gain in their ability to walk through their problems, they no longer need to seek out others to solve their problems.

If you are working with a counselor or a psychotherapist who tells orsuggests to you what you should orshould not do, please be aware that these professionals, even if they have good intentions, are keeping you from a) discovering your mistaken beliefs, b) knowing your own ability to resolve problems, and c) feeling self-confident.

When we are connected to ourself, we do notfeel lonely. I’ve met many people over the years, both personally and in my practice, who feel a desperate need to meet a partner because they believe being in a relationship will remedy their feelings of loneliness. I’ve also met many partnered people who were quite lonely within their relationships. In truth, when we are truly connected to ourself, we are never lonely. When we are connected, we are engaged in life, giving and receiving in our relationship with our selves, involved with others, and enjoying the challenges, rewards and lessons of life.