The Purpose of Pain
Through love all pain will turn to medicine "Rumi"
We find our power in the same place as our pain. "Aaron Shepard"
With all the addictions we have in our society—
shopping, gambling, sex and love, over and under
eating, alcohol and
drugs, work, television
and so on—we need to
look at what we are running away from so fast and furiously. For one thing, I
think our society offers us very little true understanding,
or time and space, for learning from and resolving our
emotional pain. Society is especially hard on boys and
young men who are told to ―buck up‖ or "pull it together" or else sufferthe ridicule of being called weak and unmanly.
Society also accepts many judgments about emotional
pain as true, such as associating it with weakness,
immaturity or craziness. Therefore, we’ve been taught that
pain is a condition that we must avoid. In actuality, pain is
our ally that helps guide our steps on our journey to our
heart.
Almost all of our pain-inducing beliefs about ourselves began in childhood and went into our unconscious mind because we were too young to know how to handle or resolve them. At that time in our young life, shelving those beliefs was actually helpful to us because that allowed us to move forward, grow up and gain the strength and knowledge we’d need to eventually resolve them.
When we don’t resolve our mistaken, self-blaming beliefs, they will create emotions such as hurt, shame, anger, jealousy, envy, greed and humiliation.
HURT comes from the belief that you have done something wrong. It can also be experienced as anguish.
SHAME comes from the belief that you are bad, less than, not good enough. It can also be experienced as humiliation or embarrassment.
ANGER comes as a defense against feeling hurt. It is self-blame projected outward, and it can also be expressed as hatred, hostility or vengefulness.
JEALOUSYcomesfromthe belief thatwhat you already have will be taken fromyou because someonewill be better or more deserving of it than you.
ENVYcomesfromthe beliefthatsomeone has achieved something you also want to achieve and you believe that you will not be able to achieve it because you are not good or capable or deserving enough.
GREED comes from the belief that you are not enough within yourself and that if you accumulate enough external material or other possessions your ownership and control over those items will prove to you and to others that you are good, capable and deserving enough.
HUMILIATION comes from the belief that you are bad, less than, not good enough. It can also be experienced as shame or embarrassment.
Your beliefs cause your emotions, and your emotions cause your behavior. For example, the emotion of envy can translate into behavior that ranges from self-abasement to robbery. Your beliefs are the basis for all of your emotions. A painful emotion signals to you that your belief needs correction. With patience and support you can correct any beliefs that cause you pain.
Other people’s words and activities can trigger painful emotions within you, as well, but they will cause you pain only if these beliefs are already inside of you. First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt said, ―No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.‖ 11 As you release these beliefs, other people’s words and actions will no longer cause you to feel pain, and you will feel safer and freer to interact with your world as your authentic self.
Our society accepts the idea, and teaches us, that we need punishment in order to become better people. As social beings, we are raised in our families, schools and legal systems to see merit in punishment as the means to improvement rather than compassionate understanding and consequences as the means to correction and healing.
It is evident to me, after working with clients for over thirty years and, of course, my own personal experience, that most emotional pain is unconsciously self-inflicted. Because of our mostly unconscious decisions to ―improve ourselves through punishment,‖ people deny themselves pleasure, debase themselves, allow others to mistreat them emotionally or physically, or mistreat themselves by eating poorly, going without proper rest, being unforgiving or engaging in other acts of unkindness toward themselves— all in the committed service ofbecoming ―a better person.‖
Our intention to become better people and reduce our pain leads us to inflict punishment on ourselves or has us perceiving that everything that goes wrong in our life is a punishment. The great irony is that we do all of this in a committed, self-loving attempt to gain release from our mistaken guilt
In truth, punishment only begets more punishment; it does not release or resolve guilt. Punishment actually confirms guilt. We have been so misled about this that we keep running in pain-filled circles, leading ourselves to addictions or physical illnesses because we have not been given the time or the knowledge we need to a)stop running, b) stop punishing, and c) turn, face and question our painful beliefs.
Questioning these beliefs allows us to see that they are not the truth—never were and never will be! With compassionate understanding, ourself-blame will dissolve and our innocence will be revealed to us
Almost all of our pain-inducing beliefs about ourselves began in childhood and went into our unconscious mind because we were too young to know how to handle or resolve them. At that time in our young life, shelving those beliefs was actually helpful to us because that allowed us to move forward, grow up and gain the strength and knowledge we’d need to eventually resolve them.
When we don’t resolve our mistaken, self-blaming beliefs, they will create emotions such as hurt, shame, anger, jealousy, envy, greed and humiliation.
HURT comes from the belief that you have done something wrong. It can also be experienced as anguish.
SHAME comes from the belief that you are bad, less than, not good enough. It can also be experienced as humiliation or embarrassment.
ANGER comes as a defense against feeling hurt. It is self-blame projected outward, and it can also be expressed as hatred, hostility or vengefulness.
JEALOUSYcomesfromthe belief thatwhat you already have will be taken fromyou because someonewill be better or more deserving of it than you.
ENVYcomesfromthe beliefthatsomeone has achieved something you also want to achieve and you believe that you will not be able to achieve it because you are not good or capable or deserving enough.
GREED comes from the belief that you are not enough within yourself and that if you accumulate enough external material or other possessions your ownership and control over those items will prove to you and to others that you are good, capable and deserving enough.
HUMILIATION comes from the belief that you are bad, less than, not good enough. It can also be experienced as shame or embarrassment.
Your beliefs cause your emotions, and your emotions cause your behavior. For example, the emotion of envy can translate into behavior that ranges from self-abasement to robbery. Your beliefs are the basis for all of your emotions. A painful emotion signals to you that your belief needs correction. With patience and support you can correct any beliefs that cause you pain.
Other people’s words and activities can trigger painful emotions within you, as well, but they will cause you pain only if these beliefs are already inside of you. First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt said, ―No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.‖ 11 As you release these beliefs, other people’s words and actions will no longer cause you to feel pain, and you will feel safer and freer to interact with your world as your authentic self.
Our society accepts the idea, and teaches us, that we need punishment in order to become better people. As social beings, we are raised in our families, schools and legal systems to see merit in punishment as the means to improvement rather than compassionate understanding and consequences as the means to correction and healing.
It is evident to me, after working with clients for over thirty years and, of course, my own personal experience, that most emotional pain is unconsciously self-inflicted. Because of our mostly unconscious decisions to ―improve ourselves through punishment,‖ people deny themselves pleasure, debase themselves, allow others to mistreat them emotionally or physically, or mistreat themselves by eating poorly, going without proper rest, being unforgiving or engaging in other acts of unkindness toward themselves— all in the committed service ofbecoming ―a better person.‖
Our intention to become better people and reduce our pain leads us to inflict punishment on ourselves or has us perceiving that everything that goes wrong in our life is a punishment. The great irony is that we do all of this in a committed, self-loving attempt to gain release from our mistaken guilt
In truth, punishment only begets more punishment; it does not release or resolve guilt. Punishment actually confirms guilt. We have been so misled about this that we keep running in pain-filled circles, leading ourselves to addictions or physical illnesses because we have not been given the time or the knowledge we need to a)stop running, b) stop punishing, and c) turn, face and question our painful beliefs.
Questioning these beliefs allows us to see that they are not the truth—never were and never will be! With compassionate understanding, ourself-blame will dissolve and our innocence will be revealed to us
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