Gaining Compassionate Understanding by Releasing Judgment

If you find it difficult to offer yourself compassionate understanding and yet you can offer it to others, you might ask yourself why you choose to be so hard on yourself. If you find that you are quite judgmental and have difficulty offering compassionate understanding to others, it is pretty much guaranteed that you do not have the ability to offer it to yourself either. One of the reasons why so many people will not take risks that can be potentially rewarding for them isthat they are more afraid oftheir own self-judgment, self-abasement and self-punishment than they are of what others might think. MotherTeresa, a teacher of compassion, stated, ―There is a hunger for ordinary bread, and there is hunger for love, for kindness, for thoughtfulness; and this is the great poverty that makes people suffer so much.‖ 8 Our judgments keep us withholding from others—but primarily from ourselves—the loving kindness that we are in need of to be happy and healthy individuals.

To reiterate: the antidote to judgment is compassionate understanding. Here is another example of this. Let’s say ―Stephen‖ made a mistake and then judged himself harshly for it by calling himself stupid. For him to find compassionate understanding, it will be imperative that he stop and explore what was happening at the time he made the mistake. Had he heard something upsetting that was worrisome on his mind? Was he hungry or tired but too rushed to eat or rest? Was there some other distraction? Stephen must ask himself, ―Am I treating myself fairly by judging myself as stupid? Would I treat someone else this way?‖

It is important to look forthe true reasonsfor our actions toward ourself or othersratherthanmaking rationalizations. Rationalizations block us from having true understanding and compassion. True compassionate understanding is the healing energy needed forthe resolution of the judgment. In this example, Stephen, by judging himself as stupid rather than knowing the true reason for his mistake, keeps himself from connecting to his true self. It holds him in a place of disappointment, anger and distrust toward himself and sets himself up to repeat the negative experience, which he will most likely do until he learns to be less self-blaming and more self-compassionate.

By taking a moment to allow himself to feel a heartfelt sympathy for his possible loss of time, money, and selfrespect due to the mistake, and by understanding that the true reason for the mistake had nothing to do with being stupid, Stephen will gain a stronger, more sensitive and more loving relationship with himself.

Each timewe do this process ofcorrecting self-judgment, we build greater trust within ourselves. We begin to believe we can depend on ourselves to be our own kind and caring friend. The more we like our selves, the more kind and caring we treat ourselves, and the more we treat ourselves with kindness and caring the more we like our selves. It’s an upward-moving spiral

In contrast, judgmental thoughts will always affect us negatively. Judgments lead to painful feelings of guilt, anger and shame because they are based in the ideas of right or wrong, of good or bad. These painful feelings lead to defensive stances,such as anger at others or at ourselves, and possibly anger-induced behaviors,such asretaliation or self-punishment

All judgments are learned beliefs that we—more often than not—carry within our unconscious mind. We then apply all our learned judgments to both ourselves and everyone else. If, for example, someone has learned a judgment that all poor people are inferior to rich people then, if that person should ever become poor, he orshe will judge himself or herself as inferior. If a person was taught and believes that people who earn large salaries are greedy, then that person might consciously or unconsciously keep himself or herself from ever earning a large salary.

Judgments are not to be confused with observations.Say, for example, a person commits a robbery, which is caught on camera and played on the evening news. The newsreport is simply an observation that this person has committed a robbery. In this example, a woman might have a judgment that people who rob others are ―bad‖ and, therefore, makes a judgment that the person on the news is bad. But then she looks closer at the television screen and recognizes the robber as the son of her good friend and neighbor, a boy she watched grow up to be a young man, who played together with her children, and who she always experienced assweet and well behaved. Now her judgment feels shaky and she is confused. She starts to look deeper,seeking understanding of what might have caused him to rob the bank. She knows him. She knows he’s not ―bad.‖ Because her heart is open to him, she realizes that something other than being bad caused this behavior. She feels compassion for him, and her judgment begins to dissolve.

What ifwestarted offering compassionateunderstanding to children from the first time they misbehaved? I believe thatwhen children are offered compassionate understanding coupled with a sense of responsibility for the consequences of their actions, without judgment or punishment, these childrenwillgrowup to bemoresensitive and compassionate individuals toward both themselves and others.

Compassionate understanding is one of the most important tools on our path to the center of our heart. Understanding the real, underlying reasons for our mistakes or the mistakes of others allows us to keep our hearts open and sensitive to ourselves, which also allows us the strength to stay open and sensitive to others. Just as the tribal villagers reminded the wrongdoers of their inherent goodness, we must remind ourselves of our goodness and stop to question the judgments that keep us from reaching the center of our heart. As we approach the center of our hearts, we also begin to be able to care more for the people we don’t know, even for those who commit hurtful acts. And when we expand our compassionate caring within our selves, we automatically and effortlessly extend that caring to others.

Going back to the example of the bank robber, judging rather than understanding the wrongdoer leads people to treat him with retaliatory punishment, which will only lead the robber to experience additional fear, anger and despair as well as a closed and defensive heart. Embracing the idea of compassion plus consequences allows our hearts to remain open and allows for correction and healing.

TheGoldenRule is golden for a reason. Itsays, ―Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.‖ Whether the robber is the son of our closest friend or someone we’ve never seen before, let’s treat him with kindness while we also hold him responsible for the consequences of his actions. Our kindness might not, at first, beget kindness within the robber, but it’s more likely to bring him closer to kindness than if we treat him unkindly. Once we learn to be kinder within ourselves, we can, as a society, practice kindness on a greater scale, including having kindness be a critical component within the judicial and penal system. Jail time would then, ideally, be a time for wrongdoers to heal while also keeping society safe from not-yet-healed persons.

The present intention of most prisons is not to foster rehabilitation but to punish wrongdoers. People become repeat offenders because prisons are not rehabilitation centers. If we, orsomeone else, doessomething insensitive or hurtful, healing and change will not come by doing something insensitive and hurtful in retaliation. That just helps the individual to identify himself or herself as ―bad,‖ closing his or her heart in self-protection and continuing to act from a self-image as a ―bad‖ person. For example: it makes no sense to hit a child for hitting his or her classmate. Children learn from what adults do, not from what they say. Adults learn in the same way.