The Gift of Defenses

Now is the time to know that all that you do is sacred.… Nowisthe time for you to deeply compute the impossibility that there is anything but grace. —Hafiz

any years ago, I To love your self for each and gave a book titled How To Love Yourself by Gay Hendricks to a client to read. When the client returned the following week, she said, ―I don’t get it! How do you love your self for hating your self?‖ To love your self for each and every emotion you feel is to understand that, if that feeling exists within you, it has, or once had, a loving purpose. Our defensiveness, even in the form of hatred, leads us back to ourself-loving intentions and to our true identity as a loving person.

Because of the truism ―Consciousness is the first step to change,‖ it is important to slow down and listen to how we talk to ourselves and how we behave toward ourselves because, if we so choose, we can change our beliefs, our feelings and our behaviors. Television psychologist Dr. Phil often says, ―You can’tchangewhat you don’t acknowledge.‖ Therefore, we must listen to our inner dialogue and acknowledge the beliefs that keep us from creating the changes we desire. The first step is to become conscious.

I saw an interesting quote from George Bernard Shaw posted on a 3" x 5" card in a store window several years back and copied it down. It said, ―Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.‖ 13 Though very true, creating yourself cannot happen until you understand that every emotion has a purpose—and a positive one, at that. It’s in finding ourselves that we gain the power to create ourselves.

I’ve heard many people, even psychiatrists, psychologists and other psychotherapists; explain that some feelings and their resulting behaviors stem from self-sabotage. I wholeheartedly, 100 percent disagree. Every aspect of your self has a loving intention—every aspect! You might find your self repeating behaviors that do not work, but I guarantee that, at some time in your early life, you came up with that behavior because it was the best mechanism you could think of at that time and in that situation in order to protect yourself, your body, yourself-esteem and yoursanity. You came up with that defense system to serve you then, and even though it might not be optimal or beneficial behavior in your present environment, you continue to act in that manner because it has become an unconscious habit, born out of yourstrong commitment to love yourself and to take care of your self. That is the gift of your defenses.

When you want to change behavior that is not helpful in your life, you can acknowledge and appreciate yourself for the self-love that formed that behavior and then release it and let it go with love. You will also need to find and learn a more effective replacement behavior that is supportive of your present-day situation. To resist the ineffective behavior, to call it self-sabotage, and to be upset and disappointed with your self will only keep you in resistance to it and hinder you from taking the necessary steps needed to create the change you want.

I mentioned in an earlier chapter the truism, ―What you resist persists.‖ If you are busy resisting, you are left with little positive energy to put toward building new and more rewarding behavior. But when you recognize that you have always loved yourself, you can easily release the beliefs that you had chosen to protect your self with and go forward with positive energy. The absolute truth is… you can create a happy life.